


Simplify

by OrangeyApples



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged Up, Alternate Universe, Car Accidents, Heavy Alcohol Consumption, M/M, Mentions of Death, Multi, Multiship, band boiz, bokuakaken, everything is song based, in case anyone uses those, kurootsukkiyama, smol cozy pubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-07-14 12:45:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16040747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeyApples/pseuds/OrangeyApples
Summary: Apologize.  Just say you’re sorry.The thought hit him again, watching Yamaguchi as he wallowed in their shared memories.  Was he going back to that day too?  Did it still hurt him like it had that morning?  There were so many things Tsukishima wanted to say to him, so many questions he wanted to ask, but he was afraid of how they’d be interpreted.  The ice felt thin enough as it was.---WARNING: there is a healthy amount of alcohol consumption in this fic, as well as mentions of car accidents.  there are also mentions of past death, and hospital scenes.  please do not read if these are triggering topics for you!So instead he decided to keep things as intact as he could by keeping his mouth shut.





	1. Invincible

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This fic is inspired by Bastille, Young the Giant, and a suggestion from a darling on Twitter. I'm very excited to be writing again, so I'm going to do my best to keep this one well updated for anyone who's interested! Please enjoy this first installment.

Tsukishima Kei was never so aware of how much he’d grown until now. Sitting in this ever so familiar booth, with his knees pressed against the bottom side of the table, he realized there had been quite a growth spurt between now and earlier in his life. He peered through the foggy window at the streets outside and was brought back to days in his past. This was a particularly special booth, after all. It was not only the blonde’s favorite place to sit in the snug little pub; it was also the headquarters for him and his best friend to meet on rainy nights much like this one. Back in that day, though, he could actually fit under the table. Maybe his hair would brush against the occasional brittle piece of gum stuck to the underside of said table, but in those days, he didn’t pay that sort of thing much attention.

Why would he, when he was with him?

In the familiar, nostalgic place, the blonde shuddered and brought his arms closer to his chest. It felt warm, and constant, but at the same time he felt…cold in his seat. Like he didn’t belong here. The last time he visited, it hadn’t ended well. Sitting by himself memories seemed to unwillingly haunt him.

He hadn’t been here in a long while, but it hadn’t changed much. The only thing he noticed was a little stage, where the old jukebox now sat. Idly Tsukishima wondered what exactly had prompted such a change as he swirled the half empty glass of water the waitress had given him.

“This seat taken?”

It was, of course, a rhetorical question judging only from the voice that asked. Looking up, Tsukishima blinked at the familiar smiling face of a familiar brunette helping himself to the seat across from the blonde. It had been a while since he’d seen Yamaguchi Tadashi in person, too, but he didn’t seem too terribly different from the person he remembered. He felt nostalgic and safe, even after a couple of years.

“You’re late,” said the blonde frankly.

“Only by a few minutes!” the other protested. After a pause he added, “I’m sorry; I had a few things to sort out business wise. Running a place like this brings a few responsibilities, you know.”

Tsukishima could only imagine. His friend, no doubt, had quite a bit on his plate. Said figurative plate had been incredibly full ever since he’d inherited the place from his father, allowing the older man to retire at a decent age. A part of the blonde found himself grateful that the pub hadn’t been sold. If some third party had gotten their hands on the place, he probably wouldn’t have returned like this. It would feel…tainted. If he saw a new menu sliding across the table to him, he probably would’ve walked out then and there.

Instead, he just regarded the thing with a raised eyebrow.

“What’s a dirty horchata?” Tsukishima asked, going to the drinks. Yamaguchi broke into a Cheshire Cat-like grin that held hints of a sly boyfriend that the blonde had only seen in pictures. He had to resist the urge to grimace in response.

“It’s this cinnamon rice milk drink with a couple shots of espresso! It’s very good for a day of studying. If it’s alright with you, though,” the freckled boy continued, “I was thinking we could get a couple of...stronger drinks to catch up over. On the house, yeah? Night’s still young.”

And just like that, the night had begun. It was like nothing had changed. Yamaguchi had already ordered a round of their usual before noticing how Tsukishima dipped his head in a nod. To go with these drinks was a plate of loaded fries, which the freckled boy consumed excitedly. The booth seemed to grow warmer with every drink the blonde had, and his friend seemed to glow too. It was almost enough to forget how hostile their last words to each other had been.

Almost being the key word.

It was a sort of afterthought for Tsukishima, a pang of regret that hit him along with the realization of Yamaguchi’s vibrancy, how endearing his babbling was as he wasted no time in telling his childhood friend what he’d been up to since he’d left. He almost felt compelled to apologize to the other now, though it would probably hit him out of context. Did Yamaguchi even remember that morning? It would forever stick with the blonde, but maybe his friend had replaced it with many happier mornings with Mr. Cheshire Boyfriend.

Tsukishima’s distaste must have showed in his face somehow, judging by the way Yamaguchi’s babble seemed to die down. Idly the brunette cleared his throat, his gaze dropping to the table.

“Hey…remember this?”

He was tracing a set of initials engraved in the middle of the table. ‘TK + YT’. Over the years they’d etched more things around them, including a star and a dinosaur and whatever other little things the boys were into during their youth. They were stupid little interests, but they’d immortalized their hobbies – a volleyball, a Pikachu, a camera.

“I was just trying to show off the swiss army knife my brother had gotten me,” the blonde admitted. The memory was enough to bring back half a smile to his face. “I thought it was the coolest thing in my possession at the time.”

“Really?” Yamaguchi shook his head with a drunken little giggle. “I almost forgot how much of a dork you were. I remember being terrified of what my dad would say when you first whipped that thing out. Thought we were going to be grounded for like…ever, and I would never see you again.” The alcohol seemed to make his words tumble from his mouth mindlessly as he watched his fingers draw circles around their initials. “But he just took my DS away from me for a few days.”

“And called my mom,” Tsukishima interjected.

“And called your mom.” 

“It’s like a time machine disguised as a table. You know, I thought your dad would’ve gotten it replaced by now. Every time I saw it sitting here, it surprised me.”

“Why would he get rid of it?” asked Yamaguchi in a murmur. “He knew it was our favorite table. This was like…our spot, you know? We were pretty much invincible when we sat here.”

The gentle curve in the brunette’s smile seemed to fade as his hair fell across his face, head resting against his arm. In his eyes, Tsukishima could almost see the scenes from their past playing out. Invincible. He had to swallow a bitter laugh. That might’ve been applicable to their early years, but the more he sat here, the more vulnerable he felt. He could feel the shell of the person he’d been when he sat here a year ago, when he was at his weakest point. He could feel how the table had tilted under his weight, as if it refused to support such a paranoid ferocity focused at the scrawny defenseless freckled boy across from him.

_Apologize. Just say you’re sorry._

The thought hit him again, watching Yamaguchi as he wallowed in their shared memories. Was he going back to that day too? Did it still hurt him like it had that morning? There were so many things Tsukishima wanted to say to him, so many questions he wanted to ask, but he was afraid of how they’d be interpreted. The ice felt thin enough as it was.

So instead he decided to keep things as intact as he could by keeping his mouth shut. He pressed his lips to his clasped hands, glancing out the window again. The small town was still as sleepy as he remembered it, so much different from the bustle across the seas.

“So, how do you like studying abroad?”

Yamaguchi’s voice cut through the loaded silence, as if he could tell what Tsukishima was thinking. The blonde’s attention returned to the other, who had sat up just a little bit. It seemed that he was trying to get out of his own head, too.

Tsukishima only lifted a shoulder. “It’s alright. I don’t really know many people over there. It’s nice, though – no one tries to break into my room through my window in the middle of the night anymore.”

“Hey, I was just worried about you!” the brunette cried, reaching over the table to shove his friend. “You didn’t come to school that day! I thought you ran away!”

“You seriously believed that?” Tsukishima brought a hand up to cover his snicker. “God. Haven’t you ever heard of a sick day?”

“You took like, what, three sick days in your entire student career!”

“Wow, you even counted them.”

“Shut up.”

Tsukishima let the topic drop as their laughter died down a little. He swirled his drink, not sure how to fill the silence again. For a second time his friend filled it with another question.

“You haven’t even tried smooching on other people, have you?”

“Smooching on other people,” echoed Tsukishima. “You’ve got to stop talking like your boyfriend. It’s throwing me off.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” the brunette observed smugly, “so I’m guessing that’s a no. I just don’t want you to die alone is all, Tsukki.” The nickname, combined with the nonchalant little sip on his drink, caught him by surprise. He was taking this a lot better than he thought he would have. Maybe a year had actually done him some good. For Tsukishima, it felt like the opposite.

“I just don’t have anyone I want to… _'smooch on'_ , I guess.”

_Liar._

Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow at him, only to smirk smugly as the blonde finished his drink. “Well,” he said, sitting up fully now, “I’m glad you decided to come back home.” He still called this place their home with such confidence, like he didn’t see how much of an imposter Tsukishima was. Having someone who didn’t criticize his every move, though, was nice. He could get used to that again, if he took it slowly—

“You wanna stay at my place tonight?”

Tsukishima nearly choked on his water, which he’d started to sip to prevent ear-splitting headaches in the morning.

“I’m sorry?”

“It’s just that it’ll be cheaper than a motel is all,” Yamaguchi said with a shrug. “Meaning that it’s free lodging. It’s nicer than a motel, too! We just cleaned for the holidays. The freckled boy leaned in a little bit with that same grin, a warning sign of the plaid wearing boyfriend who made up the second part of that ‘we’. “We also have all the Jurassic Park movies.”

“…and the new Jurassic World movies?”

“You bet.”

Tsukishima pretended to consider this for a moment. Eventually he nodded.

“I guess I’ll take you up on that offer.”


	2. Mr. Know-It-All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It’s such a tragedy when people hardly speak. Try to live up to the person you pretend to be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's the second chapter! PLEASE NOTE that the song used in this chapter does not belong to me! Actually this song is called Mr. Know-It-All by Young the Giant; I'll leave a link in this little part here. I hope you enjoy this second installation, because I have no idea how to keep my chapters all the same length.
> 
> Mr Know-It-All  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMMS65CfNQM

_“You’re being ridiculous. You love me? Do you even know what that means? No. You’re just some kid who doesn’t know the difference between affection and obsession. You don’t love me. You’ve just convinced yourself that you need me because you’re scared of being alone.”_

_Tsukishima could almost cut through the silence that filled the air after that. The rustle of Yamaguchi’s jacket seemed deafening as he stood up, but his voice was soft in a manner that terrified the blonde._

_“And what makes you any better than I am?”_

\------

Golden eyes were pried open, and almost immediately Tsukishima regretted this decision. Reality met him with a pounding headache and a dry mouth. Last night felt like a flashback, like he’d gone back in time to movie marathon nights and popcorn drenched in butter. Now, all that he was left with was sunlight that was far too bright, as well as a clanging in his ears as he lay on an unfamiliar couch.

A slow sizzle met his ears, combined with the smell of bacon. The blonde furrowed his brow, trying to cover his eyes with his arm as if that would somehow help make the sound and smell go away. When humming joined in, he sat up and squinted over the back of the couch. His blurry vision could make out an unfamiliar figure swaying in the kitchen. He could see the unruly dark hair sticking up in every direction in an uncanny, messy blob atop the stranger’s head. A dark tank top seemed to cling to his figure, going well with the red and black plaid boxers he’d worn to bed. Before Tsukishima could mentally criticize anyone who seemed to put that much thought into their pajamas, a fluffy tabby kitten scrambled onto the edge of the couch right in front of his face. The animal gave an insistent, warbling mewl as it sat down expectantly.

“Oh, look who’s up.” Even without his glasses, Tsukishima could tell that the black-haired stranger in the kitchen was grinning based on the tone of his voice. He sounded smug, with hints of drowsiness making his voice a little deeper than usual. As he approached, said grin came more into focus. The blonde could see sleep residue in those cat-like eyes that watched him in amusement.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” said Kuroo Tetsurou, a hand coming up to scratch the kitten behind its ears. “You sleep well? I hope you did; it’s just approaching noon-thirty.”

“We were up late,” Tsukishima said, trying hard to resist the urge to inform the older male that ‘noon-thirty’ wasn’t an actual time. He glanced around the small apartment, squinting to improve his gaze. “Where’s Yamaguchi?” He hadn’t seen the freckled boy since he left for his room after the blonde had failed to convince him to stay up for the late-night documentaries on Animal Planet. Glancing at the TV, he noticed that someone had turned it off for him.

“Oh, Tadashi’s at school. He’s got classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Should be back any minute now, actually. Want some breakfast? I’m just finishing up frying some eggs and bacon.”

“Is it really breakfast after noon?”

“It is if it’s the first meal of the day.”

“So,” continued Tsukishima, “you just woke up, and you’re calling me out on my poor sleeping schedule?”

Kuroo’s grin grew by a couple of teeth. “You’re not the only one who was up late last night.”

The implications behind that made Tsukishima’s stomach churn. It was better not to think about what the raven-haired male meant by that. Who gave him permission to call Yamaguchi by his first name though?

_Probably Yamaguchi himself, when they started dating._

The voice of reason in his head made the blonde sigh as he grabbed his glasses. “Did you make any coffee to go with that?”

“Tadashi should be bringing some from the Letterman.” Hearing the pub being referred to by its strange name was strange. In Tsukishima’s opinion Yamaguchi would make more money if he changed it, but no doubt the freckled boy’s sentimentality would get in the way of that. After stretching his arms over his head, the blonde eventually stood up, shuffling into the little kitchen. The only table in the one-bedroom apartment was a cute, round little thing, placed by the window. 

Tsukishima sat in one of the two chairs and tried to collect himself while silence came in between the two of them. This was almost as bad as the pauses with Yamaguchi last night. How much did Kuroo know about him? How often did his freckled boyfriend talk about the little blonde prick nowadays? It was something that he was curious about, though he wouldn’t bother admitting it. Especially not in front of the black-haired male, who seemed to be sizing him up with every glance.

“You can pet her, by the way,” Kuroo said. He was looking over at Tsukishima, and the fluffy little kitten who had followed him to the table. She was currently rubbing against the blonde’s leg, giving another insistent meow. “Actually, she would really like it if you did. She’s not used to being ignored like this.”

There was something in that crooked smile that made Tsukishima frown in response. Hopefully that was just a confession to how spoiled their cat actually was, and nothing more. A hand reached down to smooth the soft fur, and almost immediately the feline erupted in content purrs.

“What’s her name?” asked Tsukishima. He could at least try to make some sort of small talk.

“Pebble.” The arched eyebrow sent in the older male’s direction made him raise his hands in defense. “Hey, don’t look at me. Tadashi’s the one who named her.”

“Of course,” the blonde murmured. It was a simple, yet adorable name, fitting for a simple yet adorable cat; of course it would come from a simple yet adorable boy.

As if he could sense the awkward air between the two that needed to be diffused, Yamaguchi opened the door to the apartment after fiddling with his keys for a moment. “I’m home,” announced the freckled boy, carefully balancing a tray of coffees with a warm smile. The cold he brought in gave Tsukishima goosebumps, but he didn’t necessarily feel cold. He felt more…warm with relief upon seeing his friend. At least he hadn’t been abandoned. 

The blonde stood when he saw the coffee being set down on the counter, just as Kuroo approached his boyfriend. He was about to ask if Yamaguchi had already put cream and sugar in any of them when he saw the freckled boy wrap his arms around the other’s neck, leaning up just a little to meet Kuroo’s lips with his in a soft kiss. Something seemed to pass between the two of them, in a language that the blonde couldn’t even attempt to understand as they stood there in a lazy sort of hug. Eventually though, they pulled away from each other, Yamaguchi lighting up when he noticed Tsukishima.

“Oh, look! Pebble likes you,” cooed the freckled boy, motioning to where the kitten was walking between his legs. “You should pick her up; she loves it when you do that.”

Awkwardly the blonde reached down, grabbing Pebble with unexperienced hands. She was warm to the touch, and wiggly when he tried holding her to his chest.

“Try petting her,” Yamaguchi suggested, watching in amusement from where he stood by Kuroo. When he saw the awkward motion that Tsukishima made – the best sort of petting motion that he could do with a feline trying to wiggle her way out of his arms – the freckled boy couldn’t help but snicker, shaking his head. “You didn’t stay with any pet owners across the sea?”

“I lived in a little apartment on my own,” protested the blonde. “No pets. Just work and school.”

“You’re gonna have to learn how to handle a cat if you’re staying here.” With this, Kuroo stepped forward to grab Pebble from Tsukishima’s arms. The kitten immediately relaxed in the familiar pair of arms, turning into a purring loaf against her owner’s chest. Tsukishima, however, frowned a little at the statement.

“Who said I was staying here?”

“Well,” Yamaguchi interjected, stepping forward to stand by his boyfriend once again, “last night, Tetsurou and I were talking and…we don’t know how long you’re staying, but – you’re a college student, with loans and stuff to pay off, and –”

His rambling seemed to cut off as he caught Kuroo’s gaze. After a deep breath the freckled boy tried again, having gathered his thoughts better.

“We thought you’d appreciate not having to pay rent or whatever while you’re staying here.”

“Not to say that you won’t be working,” Kuroo said. “The other part of this deal is helping around the Letterman somehow. You any good at bartending, or – any sort of customer service?”

“He can learn. I’ll let him work under Suga’s shift.” There wasn’t any room for Tsukishima to interject and say anything other than an agreement to these terms when Yamaguchi’s eyes were lighting up. “Oh, babe, you should go ahead and get dressed – you need to practice for tonight, yeah?”

“Easy, tiger,” chuckled the oldest of the trio as his boyfriend began pushing him to their bedroom. “I have all afternoon to meet up with the guys. Besides, your shift doesn’t start for another hour.”

Once again Tsukishima watched the pair, feeling confused and out of place. “Practice?”

“Wow, you didn’t tell him anything about me, did you?” Kuroo’s laughter turned into noises of pain when Yamaguchi gave his side a few fond little jabs. “I’m in a band called Arrowhead; we like to perform at Tadashi’s little pub every now and again.”

“They’re going to be doing a few songs tonight!” This seemed to excite the brunette more than his performing boyfriend. “You should come and see them, Tsukki! They’re really good, and I’m not just saying that.”

“I’d probably get tired of hearing the same band perform very week,” Tsukishima said, crossing his arms as he stared Kuroo down. He could’ve tried to hide his distain better, but he didn’t care; he almost wanted to make it painfully obvious how much he disapproved of someone else getting his best friend’s doting behavior like this.

“They don’t perform every week,” protested the brunette. “But I make a point to come to every one of their shows.”

“Unless it interferes with your studies,” Kuroo said. He’d let Pebble go, freeing his arms to wrap an arm around his boyfriend’s waist again. Yamaguchi only chuckled as he fell into the embrace.

“Right. Like I’d miss seeing you up on stage for anything.”

_Please gag me with a spoon._

\------

After all of that, Tsukishima was a little surprised to find himself back in the Letterman that evening. Thinking on it, though, it wasn’t all that surprising – he could never say no to Yamaguchi. This little detail was the reason that he’d pretty much set up his little living quarters in his childhood friend’s living room. He’d stay with the pair and deal with this boyfriend, if the whole playing host thing made the brunette happy. Considering he hadn’t said anything about their upsetting separation last time, he could only assume that Yamaguchi still liked having him around.

“Ladies and gentlemen—” Tsukishima looked up from his laptop to see Sugawara Koushi step onto the little stage, grinning at the group that had gathered – “please give it up for Arrowhead!”

From the bar, the blonde could hear Yamaguchi’s cheering over the scattered applause of the small crowd that had gathered for the performance. Kuroo’s taller form took the silverette’s place in the spotlight, and he raised his free hand in a wave as he adjusted the mic stand. Tsukishima could see four other figures fiddling with instruments. They seemed vaguely familiar, like he had seen them in pictures – but only ones that featured their black-haired lead singer. A long-haired blonde was tuning his bass, face hidden by fringe that seemed to be purposefully left out of his ponytail. He seemed to be purposefully ignoring the other guitarist, a guy who stood shorter than Kuroo but with a stronger build. His dark roots blended in with dyed grey hair as he laughed at something he said. The synth player watched the pair with a pair of tired blue eyes as his hands paused in adjusting his preferences for this performance. He probably didn’t have much to change, mused the blonde, if they performed here as much as he thought they did.

When he looked at the drummer, he was surprised to find his gaze met. Tsukishima blinked at the pair of brown eyes. They were by far the least familiar out of the group, but they watched him with the most curiosity. Said drummer tilted his head, a lock of dyed blonde hair falling onto his forehead as he watched the blonde. Then he broke into an easy, flirtatious sort of smile. It looked like it was just second nature to the other, which sent an uncertain sort of shiver down Tsukishima’s spine.

“Thank you all for coming out,” said Kuroo, diverting the blonde’s attention. He gave the little crowd his signature crooked smile, and his eyes landed on Tsukishima. There was almost a challenging sort of gleam in them, as if tonight’s purpose was mainly to show off for his guest. The blonde only narrowed his eyes in response as he sat back in his chair, arms crossing. “This first song is called Cough Syrup.”

The band played a few songs varying in sound, though their alternative rock seemed to go very well in the little pub. The crowd swayed with the beat, grooving with the melody. The lyrics were well enough, and they fit well with Kuroo’s voice that seemed to strain with emotion. It was enough to keep Tsukishima’s attention mostly on the performance, though he still made a point to check his phone more often than he usually would at a concert.

“And now,” Kuroo said after finishing the previous song, “to finish off tonight, we’re gonna play a song written by your very own Yamaguchi Tadashi.” He nodded off into the crowd to where Yamaguchi was now leaning against the bar. The brunette smiled a little, looking bashful in the dim light of the audience as everyone gave him applause. Tsukishima only raised an eyebrow as his best friend’s boyfriend began the song with a few gnarly notes on his electric guitar, followed by everyone else.

**_“ Jack from school, he listened to Bowie; people thought he was cool. He used to live for the feel, skating around in the Hollywood hills. “_ **

The blonde began to lose interest again, starting to open his laptop again – until he heard the chorus.

**_“ You’re Mr. Know-It-All. She’s starin’ at her phone, and even though you sit together you feel so alone. It’s such a tragedy when people hardly speak. Try to live up to the person you pretend to be. You’re Mr. Know-It-All. “_ **

Both Kuroo and the other guitarist broke into the melody again, bodies moving in time to the beat provided by their drummer. Tsukishima couldn’t help but notice that the other two didn’t move much to the rhythm, though he could see the bass player’s foot tapping to the beat.

**_“ You’re Mr. Know-It—”_ **

A hand grabbed Kuroo’s microphone from the stand, removing it promptly. Soon enough Tsukishima found himself staring at Yamaguchi, who had climbed onto the stage with a grin as he threw off his large jacket. He didn’t seem to miss a beat as he jumped into the song, aiming a smile at the blonde.

**_“ Jill liked art; she listened to Mozart, people thought she was smart. She used to quote Hemingway, trippin’ on acid in the Palisades. “_ **

It was like he was looking at an entirely different person. Tsukishima leaned forward, closing his laptop once again as he watched the brunette on stage. The way that he moved to the beat had such an effortless flow to it, not interrupted at all by any sort of stage fright that he used to have. He seemed to glow onstage, and the blonde wasn’t the only one who noticed. Kuroo was watching his boyfriend with an awed sort of grin, moving with a distracted sort of air. Tsukishima couldn’t blame him, though; it was fair to say that Yamaguchi Tadashi had stolen the spotlight for this particular song.

**_“ You’re Mrs. Know-It-All. He’s starin’ at his phone, and even though you sit together you feel so alone. It’s such a tragedy when people hardly speak. Try to live up to the person you pretend to be. “_ **

As the song flowed into the bridge, Yamaguchi’s voice seemed to soften as his attention turned entirely to Tsukishima. All of a sudden, the blonde felt singled out, drawn in when the rest of the band went softer for effect.

**_“ You must’ve known I’ve tried to change, would love to say ‘hello’…please don’t hang up. Afraid of what I’d say…’hello, hello, hello’ – I’m Mr. Know-It-All! “_ **

The rest of the band came back in time, carrying Yamaguchi’s momentum on when he stopped singing. His hazel eyes broke the intense stare he’d shared with the blonde for a moment as he dipped his head, moving with the music. When he brought the mic back up to his mouth he was smiling, glancing at Kuroo as he proceeded with his guitar solo.

**_“ I’m Mr. Know-It-All, starin’ at my phone! And even though we sit together, I feel so alone! It’s such a tragedy. We always used to speak. Try to live up to the person I pretend to be! I’m Mr. Know-It—”_ **

As abruptly as it had started, the song ended right there. After a split second the silence filled up with eager applause, as well as cheers from the pub’s staff. Yamaguchi couldn’t help but laugh at the enthusiasm and waved at them, putting the mic back in the stand. After sharing a quick kiss with Kuroo he glanced at Tsukishima, giving him a little wave of his fingers. There was something in the way he scrunched his nose with his smile, as if to say _‘See? They really are great’._

But it was not the band that had the blonde at a loss for words. As always, it was Yamaguchi, the one who never failed to astound him in how much he was able to grow from the boy he'd known in his childhood. And he knew he was not, and would never be, truly over this man.


	3. Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rain was coming down heavier now. With a frustrated noise, Yamaguchi turned away and flipped up the hood of his boyfriend’s jacket, heading back to the Letterman. With a hand on the door, he looked back at Tsukishima.
> 
> “We’re not in high school anymore. You know that, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so there was a bit of a pause between updates but to be fair this is like the longest chapter so far (and I made the last minute decision to put the following scene in its own separate chapter) so yeah. also i got a little sick last week so i kinda didn't wanna do anything BUT here we are again!! this one got a little heavy towards the end so buckle up.
> 
> i did want to say though that there is mention of heart attacks and near-death experiences in this in case anyone is sensitive to that sort of content!!

“Yamaguchi, that was amazing!”

“It was like an angel stepped up on that stage!”

“I must be one funny looking angel,” Yamaguchi noted with a modest sort of chuckle. After a soft nudge from Kuroo, the freckled boy added a quick ‘thank you, though’.

_He’s getting better at accepting compliments, too._ Tsukishima hadn’t bothered to get up and join the group that had engulfed the band when they walked off stage, and instead took to watching them from a distance. Going over there would be a little uncomfortable, mused the blonde, seeing as he didn’t have the same sort of hysterical excitement as some of the fans that flocked the boys. If he tried cutting through the crowd, he feared he’d get an elbow to the chest – or worse.

For now, he was content to watch Yamaguchi accept each compliment with a bow that made his little bun dance atop his head. Tsukishima liked that his friend hadn’t cut his hair any shorter but grew it out, so it reached his shoulders. Even more so, he liked the way he wore his hair nowadays – half up and half down. It made his shaggy hair a little bit more refined; it made him look more mature. He probably was more mature now, thought the blonde. That’s what was so different, wasn’t it? His friend had grown from the kid he used to know, having taken the whole Letterman thing pretty well. (Not to mention other problems that had sprouted in the freckled boy’s life since Tsukishima had left.)

At the same time, though, with Kuroo, he seemed…relaxed. It was like the brunette’s brain didn’t race as much around him, like there was something in his aura that calmed him. What gave him that confidence, anyways?

Tsukishima didn’t notice how he’d pinched his brows in his thought process until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He retaliated quickly, glancing over his shoulder.

“Haven’t seen you in here before,” said Arrowhead’s drummer. The blonde could see his undercut in more detail now that he was so close, as well as the multitude of piercings. They seemed to glitter as much as those smirking brown eyes as he took to sitting across from the other.

_That’s Yamaguchi’s spot._

“So, what’s your story? Come from out of town just to see me? I wouldn’t blame ya.” Tsukishima’s frown only deepened at the question, which seemed to make the other’s smirk grow. He hated this sort of cockiness.

“I don’t even know who you are,” murmured the blonde, gaze dropping to his laptop screen as he opened it up again. It was best to just not give this sort of person attention, but he couldn’t help kicking down a few pegs of that ego before completely ignoring him.

“What, and you don’t want to know?” The laptop was closed a little more forcefully than he’d prefer, making Tsukishima look up at the other again. He seemed to look content with himself, like he hadn’t nearly closed it on the blonde’s fingers. God, what was this guy’s deal?

“Nope.”

“Aww, don’t be like that. I saw you watching us. You were hooked. Don’t deny it; I know a star-struck fan when I see one.”

Tsukishima opened his mouth, only to promptly close it. He had been staring, hadn’t he? There was no way anyone could keep their eyes off the way Yamaguchi and Kuroo had been on the stage, he protested to himself. The chemistry was there, and it was so obvious that it almost made the blonde sick. It made his chest heavy.

“Who says he was watching you, dumbass?” Kuroo’s chuckle led before him as he gave the drummer’s head a light shove. He crammed his way onto the seat (which he had certainly not been invited to) and sent his smile Tsukishima’s way. “This is Terushima Yuuji, our egocentric drummer. Feel free to tell him to fuck off if he makes you uncomfortable; he’s a big boy who knows what ‘no’ means, right?”

There was a bit of force in the lead singer’s hand as he moved Terushima’s head down in a nod, causing the drummer to whine in protest. “Yeah, yeah, get your hands off me,” he said with a little pout. Kuroo obliged, only to use said hand to wave the others over.

“This is our secondary guitarist Bokuto Koutarou.” The grey-haired male leaned against the table with a toothy smile. “You should hear him when he gets into a solo. He makes them up as he goes, mainly, but god – some of them are like the best things I’ve ever heard.”

“Other times it’s just him stringing notes together,” said the synth player as he approached. “Akaashi Keiji. That’s Kozume Kenma.”

Tsukishima turned to see the blonde bass player walking slowly towards the table. He only nodded before standing by Bokuto. When the guitarist wrapped an arm around the shorter band member’s shoulders, the surprise must have passed over the college student’s face, because Kuroo was giving that stupid grin again.

“I know; no one here was expecting it, either. They’re a pretty good pair though! Very complimentary.”

“He’s funny,” was all the bass player said, but it was enough of an agreement for Tsukishima.

“Fellas,” continued the main singer of Arrowhead, “this is Tsukishima Kei. He’s known Tadashi since they were little, and he’s back home after about a year of studying abroad!”  
“A scholar,” purred Terushima. “Well, Tooru does like ‘em smart.”

“Please stop; watching you flirt is like torture,” Akaashi sighed, causing Bokuto to chortle. Tsukishima gave the synth player a thankful nod.

“You sounded pretty good tonight.”

“Just ‘pretty good’?” This was Yamaguchi, who had finished up whatever he’d disappeared behind the bar to do. He sat in Kuroo’s lap, cheeks now a little pink. Idly the blonde wondered if his friend had been sipping a few celebratory drinks back there. “I think you were fucking fantastic tonight!”

“All thanks to you, babe,” said Kuroo. He’d wrapped his arms the freckled boy’s waist. “Really, that was like, one of your best performances yet. I’m sure the turn out would skyrocket if you were our singer. What do you say, Tsukki? Would you come out if he was singing the lyrics?”

All eyes turned to the blonde, who sat up a little. He had to keep himself from stumbling on his words, but the not-so-subtle hopefulness in Yamaguchi’s eyes made his train of thought stall for a moment.

“I --- would have more of a reason to if he was an actual part of the band,” was all he said in response. “I don’t really know any of you very well.”

“If I didn’t have the Letterman, I’d probably consider going on the road with you guys. Oh!” Yamaguchi’s eyes lit up as he remembered something. “Oh, Tsukki, Arrowhead’s got its first tour in January! Isn’t that exciting?”

“It’s just a few gigs, babe,” Kuroo said, now taking his turn to be modest.

“Still! It’s really good exposure, you know? And we’re going on a two-week long road trip!”

“We?” repeated Tsukishima. “And the Letterman’s going to just magically watch itself while you’re gone?”

“Suga agreed to act as manager while I’m gone. It’ll be in good hands, but thanks for the concern. He’s even going to feed Pebble,” the freckled boy added, as if he could read his friend’s mind.

Tsukishima only rolled his eyes – 

and that was when he saw what his life would probably look like in three months, when January finally did roll around. He’d be house-sitting Yamaguchi’s apartment while they were out, feeding their cat while they were out enjoying themselves. They’d probably sing together onstage again, and they’d probably kiss onstage too in front of a mob of screaming fans. They’d be totally engrossed in each other. Yamaguchi would be happy without him, capable of living a life without him. He was happy, of course, for his friend.

For himself, though? He was feeling quite miserable for himself, to put it lightly.

Tsukishima listened to the band talking for a while, but he didn’t bother trying to contribute. For the most part he sipped on a beer halfheartedly, watching Yamaguchi laugh with the others. There was a point in the past when someone had called him ‘Tsukishima’s little dog,’ who had nothing better to do other than follow the blonde around. Oh, but Yamaguchi never was the one who had trouble making friends; he was pretty charismatic in his fumbling way. It was Tsukishima who was the unbearable one between the two of them.

Without him, the freckled boy was just fine. Maybe he was even better than when Tsukishima was with him.

“Here. You can sit here.” Gathering his laptop, the blonde put his things in his bookbag before standing. Akaashi raised an eyebrow before eventually sitting down, with Kenma soon joining him.

The street outside was frigid in comparison to the Letterman, and Tsukishima was reminded of leaving for the airport with his mother in the witching hours of the morning. He’d started zipping his jacket up when he heard the door open again behind him.

“What are you doing out here? It’s been raining off and on all day,” Yamaguchi said, smiling a little. Kuroo’s jacket engulfed his body, making him seem smaller in the warm light from the pub.

“I just needed some air,” was Tsukishima’s reply. It was partly true. “It can get pretty stuffy in there.”

“You decided to bring your laptop with you?”

“I don’t trust your drummer with anything of mine.”

The deadpan in Tsukishima’s voice made Yamaguchi snicker. The blonde’s expression softened a fraction when he noticed the hand pressing to his friend’s mouth. After a moment he added, “It’s just so strange.”

“What is?”

“Everything here is so simple and quaint, I guess. Nothing’s really changed from when I left. I thought you’d leave a place like this a long time ago.”

“Why? This is our home, Tsukki. This is your home. If I left like you did, it would feel like…I don’t know. Betrayal?”

“You’re better than this place. You’re better than these people. You could---” the blonde waved a hand in the crisp air --- “find some other rich guy to pretend to date, instead of Mr. Grungy Plaid in there.”

Yamaguchi’s eyebrows rose at this. “I’m sorry. Pretend?”

“It’s a really cute façade,” Tsukishima said, “but come on. He’s just a friend who’s agreed to smooch on you while I’m in town, so your life doesn’t look as miserable as it really is. That probably isn’t your cat in the apartment.”

“Tsukki.” There was something dangerous in the brunette’s tone now, a warning sort of edge to his name, but it was disregarded by the other.

“You said it yourself: you’re more of a dog person, aren’t you? Then where’s the dog? And since when does he get to sit in my seat?”

“Since you decided to leave for a year.”

“Just because I go and study abroad doesn’t mean I’m suddenly gone from your life.”

“It does when you don’t text or call. It’s like you went off the grid when you left! And then you come back, and you want it all to go back to the way it was? I’m not a doll, Tsukki. You can’t just leave me and expect me to stay in the same place when you come back.”

“But you did stay in the same place,” Tsukishima insisted. “You didn’t move an inch from your dad’s pub.”

“No, I didn’t move. You know why? Because my dad had a fucking heart attack in February!” Yamaguchi’s arms, which were once crossed, now lashed out in exasperation. “How the fuck could I leave him? The Letterman and I are all that he has left now. You know that, right? Or were you too busy being a fucking hermit in America to notice that? To notice ANYTHING that’s been happening in my life?” 

Tsukishima’s silence was enough for the brunette to continue.

“Do you know who was here when he was in the emergency room? Do you know who helped me when the last of my family almost fucking died? It sure as hell wasn’t you. It was Mr. Fucking Grungy Plaid, and that’s why he gets your seat. Tetsu was nice enough to even listen to me when you left. You know, after you tore my heart out and crushed it in front of my face? Yeah. He listened to all of that, and he still decided to stick around. He was here, and you weren’t. He actually cares about how the fuck I’m doing. He actually listens to me. But you’re right! You’re right, Tsukki, like you always are. We’re just pretending while you’re in town! We even went and threw his stuff into my apartment so it looked like we were dating, but it just wasn’t enough. Nothing gets past you, does it? You’re just so –” here the freckled boy had to pause and suck in a shuddery breath, and it sounded like he was beginning to cry – “fucking smart, aren’t you? Smarter than I am, smarter than this whole town. You’re just smarter and way better than everyone here, right? Isn’t that how it goes?”

“I do care,” said Tsukishima. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, but he forced himself to speak. “Of course I care, Yamaguchi. I’m your friend.”

“Yeah, well.” Yamaguchi pulled his arms back to his body, crossing them. He took a deep breath as he stared back at the pub’s window. After a moment of steely silence, the brunette shook his head as he finally decided on what to say. “You could’ve at least fucking called me. You know?”

“I just thought you’d still…have feelings for me after all this time.” _Don’t do it._

“Tsukki, before yesterday we didn’t talk for like a year. Why would I still have feelings if we drifted apart like that?”

_Don’t you dare say it._

“Because I still have my feelings for you. I never got over them. I never got over you.”

The feeling of a single cold raindrop in his hair shook Tsukishima out of the unbearable tension of the moment, even if it was for a second. He saw the shock in Yamaguchi’s wide eyes, and immediately he wished he hadn’t said anything. He noticed how his friends’ eyelashes fluttered as he blinked furiously – had it been rain hitting his eye, or was he blinking back tears? Again he saw the other shake his head as a sort of panic made his breath short.

“I never – I never had feelings, remember?” was what he finally said. “You made sure to let me know that. That was just me latching onto you because I was scared to be alone. It wasn’t love, it was infatuation. You’re probably just…feeling something like that. I don’t know. But I don’t have to just sit around until you finally decide that you love me. I have shit to do, Tsukki. I have my life to live.”

The rain was coming down heavier now. With a frustrated noise, Yamaguchi turned away and flipped up the hood of his boyfriend’s jacket, heading back to the Letterman. With a hand on the door, he looked back at Tsukishima.

“We’re not in high school anymore. You know that, right?”

The slam that followed sent a shiver down the blonde’s frozen spine.


	4. Shadows in the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **[10:01 pm; Tsukishima Kei]:** Walking back to the apartment.  
>  **[10:01 pm; Tsukishima Kei]:** I understand if you want me to pack my things.  
>  **[10:02 pm; Tsukishima Kei]:** I can find somewhere else to stay tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here's the next chapter! it's, idk, kinda rough, but have a little bit of platonic kagehina! everyone's growing in this fic.

The farther he got down the road, the colder Tsukishima felt. He’d already zipped up his jacket, wishing to god he’d brought one with a hoodie. Even a hat would be nice. Unfortunately, his head was unprotected in the torrent of rain that came down that night.

He never really liked rain, especially in this little town. The ground stayed soft and mushy for days after an intense period of weather, and the mud would track everywhere and make the house messy no matter how hard he tried to clean up before entering. Yamaguchi, on the other hand, seemed to live for running out to jump in the puddles that formed on the sidewalk. It was something he hadn’t grown out of. The blonde was sure he still had those green galoshes, which matched his green rain poncho. After all, Tsukishima hadn’t thrown his out. He could probably find them somewhere in his mother’s attic.

At the thought of her, the blonde fished out his phone. He should probably call her. If he didn’t, the guilt would just stack up. He could imagine the conversation in his head.

_“Oh, Kei! It’s nice to hear you’re back home. I’m just finishing up dinner, do you want to come over? I’ll make you a plate. Now, your bed isn’t made, but I’m sure I can find your favorite sheets before you come over. You know, the ones with the dinosaurs? Of course you do. Oh! You can invite Tadashi, if you’d like. Did you know he came over the other day? I know, I was surprised too! He’s just so busy nowadays. I think he’d be really happy to see you. Have you talked to him yet? He misses you, you know…”_

The blonde took a breath. Just thinking about how the conversation would turn into a whole lecture about finding other friends was making him tired. His mother wouldn’t dare charge him for spending a night, but he wasn’t willing to go through that talk just yet. He needed somewhere alone and safe at this point.

He was beginning to shiver when he ducked under the awning of a little coffee shop nearby. It looked like a smaller version of what he’d find back in America. The lights were still on, but he didn’t really see anyone in the lobby. Idly the blonde began to search for anyone ---

And nearly jumped out of his skin when a pair of blue eyes appeared in front of his face.

“We’re closed,” said Kageyama Tobio as he opened the café door. With a frustrated shake of his head the blonde stood up, straightening his damp jacket.

“Really? I guess I can’t just read then?” He pointed to the sign in the door that proudly announced we’re open! “You forgot to flip the sign, idiot.”

His old classmate seemed to bristle at the comment. He was about to say something when an excited ginger blur crashed into him from behind.

“Oooooh, is that really Tsukishima! Here, in the flesh!” Hinata Shouyou crowed. He clung to Kageyama, eyes wide. A cautious finger stretched out to poke the blonde, as if he wasn’t convinced the other was real. The irritated twitch, however, seemed to convince the ginger that he was. “What’s he doing here?”

“None of your business,” said Tsukishima tartly.

“Oooooh, he’s being Stingyshima!!” In the desolate, rainy street, Hinata’s voice seemed to echo off the buildings. The shorter boy’s intensity felt like looking directly at the sun, and the intensity was too much for the blonde at the moment. “Well, that’s okay. Even if we WERE open, we wouldn’t let someone like him in. It would ruin the ambience.” This he emphasized by sticking his tongue out at his old classmate.

“Do you even know what that means?”

“Yeah! Yamaguchi was helping me expand my vocabulary for my essays last semester.”

Tsukishima scoffed, shoving his hands deep into his jacket pockets. “Wow, he’s just turned into a real fucking scholar, huh.”

“Ohhhhh, it’s Sarcasticshima,” whispered Hinata to Kageyama. His surprise turned to indignation quickly. “Hey, don’t talk about your best friend like that! What did he do to deserve your snark?”

Had he always been this observant? Tsukishima fixed Hinata with a surprised look before he scowled. 

_He got a boyfriend._

The retort came to his tongue so quick that it stung, but eventually he swallowed it back down with a sigh. With a shake of his head he focused his gaze on the puddles surrounding his shoes.

“Nothing. He didn’t do anything. It’s whatever, it’s – just me.”

“Awwww, Sulkyshima.” Hinata’s voice was soft with this. While Tsukishima couldn’t see them, he could feel the discomfort in the awkward silence that followed. The former volleyball idiots probably weren’t used to seeing him in such a vulnerable state. It made things weird for all parties. The blonde would’ve turned to leave if he hadn’t heard Kageyama speak up at that point.

“Aren’t those the stages of grief?”

Tsukishima turned back to the setter, head tilted in a question. “How in the world do you know about that…?”

“We’re talking about it in my psychology class. There’s denial, anger, bargaining…” Kageyama’s brow scrunched up a little as his brain tried to remember the last two steps. “Depression and acceptance. People go through them differently or whatever, and for longer periods of time.”

“Yeah! You went from being all angry about it to being super bummed,” Hinata chimed in. “I guess someone like you wouldn’t do a lot of bargaining, huh?”

Tsukishima only rolled his eyes in response. While he had a lot of questions (mainly about how the hell Kageyama was paying that much attention in a psychology class) he was more intrigued with the idea. He’d always thought the stages of grief applied to when someone died, or when you lost a pet. He remembered Yamaguchi going through his own little cycle of mourning in grade school when his bunny, Sparkle, had escaped through a hole in the backyard fence. The blonde didn’t really get why – after all, it was only a rabbit – but here he was, reminiscing over a romantic relationship that hadn’t even happened.

He didn’t believe in romance. It was tacky, and unbearable to watch as a third party.

So why did his chest still feel so heavy after that?

“Silentshima.” A prompt poke from Hinata brought Tsukishima back to reality. He could see a sort of hesitation on the ginger’s face while he thought through what to say, probably for the first time. “If you have to talk about Yamaguchi or – anything, really, you can always hang out with us? If it’ll help!”

“I’m not planning on spilling my deepest darkest insecurities out to a couple of idiots like you,” said Tsukishima drily. “I think I’ll be okay.” With this he finally decided he should start walking again, even though the rain hadn’t let up at all. He’d rather get soaked than talk about the past 24 hours with them, of all people. Before he turned to leave, though, he glanced at them, feeling obliged to add, “but…thank you. For offering.”

He didn’t bother to stay any longer to see the looks on their faces, but he was certain that they were staring at him in shock. Hinata’s jaw had probably dropped too. It was, after all, the first time that he’d actually thanked them for something. He wasn’t planning on repeating that any time soon.

Tsukishima got to the corner of the next block when he took his phone out again. He felt his heart sink further when he saw no messages from Yamaguchi. In the past, the freckled boy hadn’t taken much time to apologize after a fight. It was mostly in person but sometimes it was a voicemail of a nervous and rambly sorry, or a paragraph of text with the same sentiment. Even when it wasn’t his fault, he’d always find something to apologize for. Tsukishima had just chalked it up to his anxious nature, but it was obvious that he hadn’t wanted to lose the blonde.

This time, though, he was convinced his friend had lost that desperation. Either that, or he had learned that there were things that just weren’t his fault, things he shouldn’t have to apologize for.

Tsukishima’s fingers pulled up the text conversation he’d had with Yamaguchi, before eventually clicking over to the freckled boy’s contact on his phone. His thumb lingered over the call button for a few seconds, holding a staring contest with the button.

There was nothing confirming that Yamaguchi would even pick up. He was probably busy with all his new friends, in his new life. The reasonable part of his brain told him that there were other times to talk about this particular dilemma, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his childhood friend, in his own world that the blonde found himself watching from the outside.

He could join it again, as Yamaguchi’s friend. He’d always been that. That was familiar, that was easy. Wasn’t that the original plan?

Oh, but he had to open his mouth. Nothing would be the same after that confession. That volleyball idiot Kageyama probably could’ve told him that. If he tried going back to that, he’d probably end up sabotaging everything. (Like he hadn’t done enough already.) Their next conversation would be like pulling teeth, no doubt.

But Tsukishima wanted to go through that teeth-puling experience, if that meant he was any closer to finding out how Yamaguchi felt about him. He hadn’t gotten an actual response from the freckled boy. Did he still feel the same way that he had a year ago? Could someone change that much? Tsukishima didn’t know, but god he wanted to. It was agonizing.

Eventually he returned to the text conversation he had with Yamaguchi. At the least he could let him know where he was going.

**[10:01 pm; Tsukishima Kei]:** Walking back to the apartment.  
 **[10:01 pm; Tsukishima Kei]:** I understand if you want me to pack my things.  
 **[10:02 pm; Tsukishima Kei]:** I can find somewhere else to stay tonight.

The screen was all Tsukishima could see as he stepped onto the empty street. The fact that he hadn’t seen even a sign that Yamaguchi had read the messages made his chest tighten. Fingers, shaking slightly, began to text out some sort of apology, oblivious to the sudden light rippling in the puddles under his feet. He only looked up at the sound of the horn blaring in his ear—

And then the full weight of the truck was hitting his body.

**Author's Note:**

> Don'tworrywe'llgettoseeMrCheshireBoyfriendinthenextchapterokaybye


End file.
